hello 2018.

I look forward to a new year with my first actual blog.

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Depression is a cruel disease that can affect anyone. It is very easy, once the symptoms begin, for a person to slide down the black hole of depression where the symptoms spiral and feed off each other, increasing in severity.” – Michelle London.

I deal with depression every single day of my life. You think I’m kidding? Think again. Most people don’t know that I am one of the many out there that suffer from this disease. Does it get better? Can I be cured? Yes and no. Some days I am perfectly OK and others I cry for no reason at all. I have my good days, I have my bad days, and I have days where it’s just OK. But I have been learning to deal with how I react to my emotions and how to deal with them on a daily basis – and I’m beginning to think that I will be, OK.

When you hear the word depression, what comes to mind? Dark thoughts? Rom music? Death? Well I’m here to tell you that depression isn’t always associated with those things. On a bad day – I can just sit there and sooo many different things will run through my head. I’ll give you this an as example – on a bad day I might think ..

“I’ve always heard the saying “All good things must come to an end.” What exactly does that mean? Being a good person? Being a hard worker? Being a good friend? Sister? Aunt? Daughter? Cousin? Girlfriend? I wish I knew these answers. I wish it had a textbook definition; Webster’s good ole’ dictionary. But I don’t. And it’s not the only thing I question either. Life is full of open ended questions. Does anyone actually know these answers? I’ll never know. But here is what I do know. I know that life is actually really effing hard. It throws so many things at you whether you’re ready for it or not. I know that people come and go and not many really have true and good intentions. Did they come in my life for a reason? Maybe so. Did they serve a purpose to me? Teach me something? Probably. But I’m not going to beg someone to stay if they want to go. I know that I work for my weekends, work to pay bills, and work to keep my sanity. Sounds crazy, right? Sanity, ha, yes sometimes I need an escape from my own personal prison in my head. I know that I have dreams, and I have passions in life… those things that make me feel good. Does that mean those must end too? Quite honestly, I think they do. Some dreams I have had for myself – they aren’t dreams any more. I’ve sort of put them on the back burner. Dreams of being in the writing profession, dreams of traveling – all on the back burner. Maybe gone forever. Who knows. I’m starting to completely lose hope for those things. Life has made me weak, ouch. It’s made me question a lot of things. Life – what is life? Another open ended question I’ll never know the answer too – a mystery.”

See – that had nothing to do with death. Nothing to do with dark thoughts or any angst. I simply just have lost hope. Lost hope is myself, in my capabilities, in my dreams. And that makes me sad.

But like someone once told me, “Don’t tell me the sky is the limit, when there are footprints on the moon.”

Until next time, xoxo.

Word vomit.

“I bleed my heart out on this paper – so you can see what I can’t say.” – Author Unknown

I have never been the type to be outspoken. But when it comes to writing – every thing just spills out. I don’t know why but it’s the best comfort I have. It’s my outlet. It’s where I go to basically, word vomit.

I own every single thing that has ever happened to me. I am in a way telling my stories for you all to hear – feel free to judge me – I know some of you will. But if I wait for perfection, I’d never write a word – so judge away.

For me, writing comes easy. It’s how I release my “struggle” – how I come to terms with it. Yet, I trust my struggle. I trust that by opening my veins to write, all that was once a struggle will become my solid foundation on life. All I have to do is sit down, get comfy and, well, word vomit.

I’ve had to deal with a lot of inner struggles my entire existence. But never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul. I’ve hit rock bottom – or so it seemed – and I’ve begun to slowly rebuild my life ever since (it’s a work in progress.) I’ve dealt with how to just “shake everything off” and to watch as my courage is reborn. I’ve dealt with my own thoughts, and what they mean to me in that exact moment. I’ve dealt with what I want and what I fear. And, I’ve dealt with word vomit.

But that’s OK – my struggles have made me who I am today. And for once in my life, I love me. I love who I have become. I love that I am still discovering me. I discover something new about myself just about every single time I write. I like to write what hurts. The things I’m most afraid to write. What disturbs me, what I fear, what I’ve never been openly willing to speak about. I’m in the process of rewriting a first draft of myself and reminding myself that I’m simply putting sand into pails so I can build my castles later.

Blaaaaaah. Word vomit.

Down with the sickness.

I have had every intention on writing sooner than this, however, I’ve come down with the “crud” that seems to follow me every winter about this time. I have done nothing but sleep, wake up, nap, wake up, lay around all weekend long (and thank goodness it was a long one.)

I am thankful I had this weekend to catch up on much needed rest and let my body fight off whatever it’s been trying to fight. Unfortunately my ears haven’t quite grasped the whole “get better” idea seeing as I can still hardly hear out of them. BUT this weekend gave me the opportunity to finally sit down and watch (for the billionth time) my all time favorite, fan girl type of series which is Dawson’s Creek. I’ve watched the entire series numerous times, watched them over and over again only to always end up getting rid of them. But luckily I got the complete series for Christmas last year, 2016, and I’m finally able to sit down and binge watch it again.

Call me crazy. Call me a nerd. But I love love love this series. Always have. Probably always will. My inner fan girl can’t get enough of it.

AND it gave me much needed quality time with my fiancée! It made me very happy when Sunday came and he relayed to me that this weekend was one of the best he’s had with me – and we didn’t do a single thing. We were both sick. Both struggling to get over this sickness – and we enjoyed every second of it. Not leaving the house, staying in and watching a show – and it was bliss. I am so grateful for that.

I know this post was short, so I promise I’ll write more soon but I need to hit the bed before i fall asleep typing.

Until next time, xoxo

jess

Be the exception.

Be. The. Exception.

…no, this is not the quote from ‘He’s Just Not That Into You.” THIS IS MY LIFE MOTTO. This means so many things to me, so much that I even tattooed it on my skin. Yep. I did. 

I wanted to explain today on what ‘being the exception’ means to me since I get the question a lot – seemingly because the placement on my tattoo is on my upper chest, visible for all to see. 

In todays society, there is a set of rules/or a way of living that people are expected to follow or to be. Well…not me. OK OK – for the most part. With the start of this new year, I am trying harder than ever before to personally exclude myself from this these general “rules”. I’ve decided to simply my own set of rules, the kind I like. The kind that make me feel comfortable and happy. I want to be my own exception.

Being ‘real’ is so so rare to see anymore. Many people do follow those rules that society has set so they can fit me or at least try too. To follow the latest trend, the last fad, what all the celebrities are doing. But you have to be brave, take risks, have courage, and seek adventure. 

I’ve found out recently that part of growing up means being honest about what you want, what you need, what you feel, who you are. If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary, and I am far from that (ordinary, duh.)

In this life, I believe that we are who we choose to be. Nobody is going to come and save you – you’ve got to save yourself. Nobody is going to just give you anything – you’ve got to earn it – you’ve got to go out and fight for it. Nobody knows what you want except for you, and nobody will be as sorry as you if you don’t get it. This is MY life – no one elses. I want to live it as best I can by doing the things I want – not what people want me to do. I want to reach the dreams I have and not the dreams someone else has set out for me to do. It’s time for me to do things for me instead of please all those other expectations people have for me. 

I am different. The things I find most beautiful about people are are almost never physical. It’s what is inside a person – their emotional connections. You have to be yourself – you don’t need to be accepted by others to accept yourself. No matter what anyone tells you, you don’t have to be anything but you. You don’t have to stay within the lines – go wild, have fun, dream big, and discover something new that you never knew about yourself.

Be bold enough to use your voice, brave enough to listen to your heart, and strong enough to live the life that you imagine. Because what screws us up the most in this life is that picture in our heads of how everything is supposed to be. Don’t be like the rest of them. I’m the “black sheep” of my family and I am proud – so please, don’t ever be ashamed of who you are – beauty is skin deep.

If you water yourself down to always please people or to fit in or to not offend anyone, you lose the power, the passion, the freedom and joy of being uniquely you. It’s much easier to love yourself when you’re being yourself; the moon does it all the time. The only thing that you have that nobody else has is you. Your voice. Your mind. Your story. Your vision. Don’t lose yourself trying to be everything to everyone. Not “fitting in” is the right thing for me – my exception.

Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?

Xoxo Jess

Bridezilla.

So, I think I am starting to freak out a little more than I should be about my upcoming wedding. I actually had a split second thought today on whether or not I’m acting like a “bridezilla.” The term ‘bridezilla’ is defined in today’s world as this: noun: a new breed of soon to wed women who abuse the idea that weddings are “their” day. They terrorize their bridal party and family members, make greedy demands and break all rules of etiquette, to insure that they are the single most important person on the planet from the time they are engaged to the time they are married.

Phew. Sounds like a bitch if you ask me. I wouldn’t necessarily give myself that title. Maybe like half a bridezilla, but not completely. They only thing I’ve asked of my bridal party is that they make sure they had their dresses in time by the deadline so they’d arrive in time with plenty of time for alternations if needed. Granted I did pick the color and the length of the dress BUT ultimately the dress they chose was of their choosing so I could be sure that they were not only comfortable on that day but also in something they wouldn’t feel absolutely hideous in. I think that is fair. I wasn’t being demanding, maybe a little pushy (with the deadline) but that’s simply the only thing that’s been asked for. I am not asking for anything lavish, expensive or over the top for any member of my party.

My family members have already given me more than I would’ve ever expected during this time of planning. I cannot be demanding toward them, that’d just be selfish and bratty of me to do so. They are already helping me out so much and there isn’t much else I can ask for. I am blessed with the family I have and I couldn’t be more thankful for what they have done and what they will do. (Plus, if I was acting like a bitch, trust me when I say that at least 2 member of the family would put me in my place… and I do not want that.)

All in all I feel like things have come together pretty smoothly. The hall has been reserved, the DJ has been booked, and the cupcakes just need flavors chosen in due time. There hasn’t been any stress about that perfect dress since I found my dress pretty early on, and so far everything seems to be in order. I’m starting to freak out about the little things now. Ugh. I told myself that this wasn’t going to happen. That the closer to wedding day we got, the more at ease I’d be knowing everything has come together perfectly. Wrong. I’m freaking out!

Minor things that I know will be OK are what is cluttering my head with all kinds of ‘what ifs.’ All these ‘what ifs’ are starting to give me anxiety (not that I don’t already have that to begin with.) Try amplifying he anxiety now by 3.. the outcome is… the outcome is… uh.. well I can’t even find s word to describe it. Just a bunch of chaotic, mind boggling, clustered mess in my head. That’s what it is. And I’m told that it’s only going to get worse from here… Help!?

The end goal here is that I get to marry my best friend in the entire world. Nothing else matters to me but that moment. So I thought. Lately it seems like every. little. detail. matters. This is NOT what I wanted. This is NOT how it was supposed to be. This was supposed to be the easiest planning process because I had my best friend by my side who I will spend my life with.

Any suggestions on how to relieve or loosen all of the stress from planning? Any tips you newlyweds have? Any tips from the women in the process of planning as well? I need some advice from my fellow brides to be. Please. Anything. What works best for you? How’d you get through it?

Leave me a comment, like, a note. I’m hoping to hear back from some of you.

Until next time, xoxoxo ‘stressed jess’

Life in song.

I sort of wanted to go on a bit of a different route tonight. The reason being is because I can’t seem to get one certain song out of my head. “You with the sad eyes, don’t be discouraged. Oh, I realize, it’s hard to take courage. In a world full of people, you can lose sight of it all, and the darkness inside you can make you feel so small. But I see your true colors shining through, I see your true colors, and that’s why I love you…” Cyndi Lauper fan, anyone?! Come on! It’s definitely one that pulls a bit on my heartstrings.  To be honest, a lot of songs do that. I feel like I can relate to songs more than I should. Maybe that’s because I over analyze everything, but I really like to follow lyrics and try to find the meanings behind them or within them. Whether there is a hidden meaning, a purpose, or a story.. I love decoding every single piece of it.

It doesn’t matter what genre a song may be – rock, rap, country, pop – I like it all. Granted, I may be biased to country music (because it’s my favorite) but I like to explore all of it. Surprisingly, a lot of them have common themes – love, heartbreak, family, friendships, failures. I find it sort of refreshing sometimes finding out that a popular celebrity or singer is actually very similar to you, although they put on this act of being absolutely flawless. But c’mon, really? No one is flawless. Not even close. 

I wanted to share with you some of my favorite songs that I have found with lyrics that mean something to me. You may find them silly or even confusing, but I have found something within them that makes me feel, purpose.

The first song is “I’ll Be There” by The Jackson Five. Lyric: You and I must make a pact, we must bring salvation back. Where there is love, I’ll be there. Meaning: The idea of salvation = dedication which = to aspire or to be near.

Second song “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” by PoisonLyric: Every rose has its thorn, just like every night has its dawn, just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song, every rose has its thorn. Meaning: Appearances can be deceiving to the human eye. Even the most beautiful things can have a dark side. To have the good, you must also deal with the bad.

Third song is “Skyscraper” by Demi LovatoLyric: Skies are crying, I am watching, catching tear drops in my hands. Only silence, has its ending, like we never had a chance. Do you have to make me feel like there’s nothing left of me? Meaning: Rise above everything that anyone has ever said negative towards you. You can always, and I mean always pull through anything.

The last song is “I Believe I Can Fly” by R Kelly. Lyric: I believe I can, I believe I can touch the sky. I think about it every night and day, spread my wings and fly away. I believe I can soar, I see me running through that open door, I believe I can fly. Meaning: Life is a mystery. It is full of opportunities. It is a waiting room full of people trying to make life happen for them. Dream it, Do it, and love every single second of it. BELIEVE IN YOU.

I am going to leave end this with just some lyrics to ponder for yourself. See if you figure out meanings behind any of them. See if you can relate to any of them. Leave me some feedback, which lyrics did you relate or not relate too? Did you figure any of them out? Like, Comment, Leave me a note. Below are the lyrics, there are 9 total. Enjoy!

1. So wake me up when it’s all over. When I’m wiser and I’m older. All this time I was finding myself, and I didn’t know I was lost.

2. We’re happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. It’s miserable and magical.

3. Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.

4. If your going though hell, keep on going, don’t slow down…

5. You gotta live and learn. You gotta crash and burn. You gotta make some stances and take some chances. You gotta live and love and take all life has to give. You gotta live and learn so you can learn to live.

6. Life ain’t always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride.

7. Chase your dreams, but always know the road that’ll lead you home again.

8. Even if your hands are shaking and your faith is broken; even if the eyes are closing, do it with a heart open wide.

9. While you sit around thinking about what you can’t change and worrying about all the wrong things, times flying by, moving so fast. You better make it count cause’ you can’t get it back.

XOXOXO Jess

..so what exactly did you get from that?

Second post in one day, what?!? SORRY. NOT. SORRY.

Something I just heard on TV really got me IRKED – irked in a bad way. Something about it just didn’t settle with me. “A fit body gives you confidence.”

WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

While I can understand where this ‘celebrity’ was coming from, seeing as it was for a gym advertisement, I also have a problem with it. Confidence doesn’t come from having that ‘so called perfect body.’ Confidence radiates from within – from within a male or a females soul. From within their hearts.

Confidence is every reason, every hope, every dream you’ve ever had. It’s having an open heart, not being afraid to try, not being afraid to fail. It’s not being afraid to learn something along your journey in life. It’s taking risks and being courageous. It’s taking the chance to not miss an opportunity when it presents itself due to being caught up in past failures, current blame, or future fear.

I think what messes with a lot of women’s heads, and even males, is that we have this ‘perfect picture’ idea in our minds of how things are supposed to be based on what a celebrity or idol has said or shown us. NEWS FLASH: as real as they are, they are living very differently than what we are. We see them being handed thing left and right, being catered too, spending thousands and millions of dollars on things that we have to save months, even years for, and sometimes may never get at all.

You know, I used to think when I got older, the world would all make more sense. But you know what? It actually gets more confusing every day. We see TV ads or radio ads or hear talk shows about their perfect worlds, but is it really perfect? What is perfect to them?

There is this saying that I often like to look back on I am feeling out of sorts, and it’s this. “Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.” That quote is from the movie and book EAT, PRAY, LOVE. I love this quote for many reason. Happiness is very similar to confidence. One might say that confidence is happiness. You have to strive for confidence and make a personal effort every single day to keep that confidence going. You fight for confidence, and you just have to keep swimming day after day to stay afloat in this crazy world to maintain it.

Being confident is choosing happiness over suffering. It’s not letting your emotions become slaves to your thoughts. It’s a smile, a laugh or a hug.

So don’t let these commercials or celebrities or anyone for that matter get you down. No body has the perfect body. No body has the perfect life. No body is perfect. I am going to leave you with a few of my favorite quotes, to look back on when you are having that unperfect day. XOXO Jess

“LIFE IS TOUGH MY DARLING, BUT SO ARE YOU.” I promise.

“I no longer judge myself. I am not a victim. I take great care of myself. I take this journey of healing one day at a time. I love the person I am as well as the person who I am becoming.”

“What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within us. And when you bring what is within out into the world, miracles happen.” Henry David Thoreau.

This is what you don’t do: Don’t let this world make you bitter. Don’t let the actions of other people turn you cold on the inside. Certain things happen that hurt us, people come that leave us, and most of all, there are moments when you’re bound to fail. Don’t let those things make you unkind. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be sad. But it’s never okay to do other people wrong just because you were done wrong. We’re human. We break. We make mistakes. But don’t let pain and sadness run your lives. Wake up in the morning and do what you think is right. There are moments in your life where you feel like giving up and you can’t take it anymore. It’s okay. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. I know you’re weak. But the things that show your weak side are also the same ones that make you stronger in the long run. it’s all about taking whatever life throws at you and learning from it.”

STAY BEAUTIFUL, KEEP STRIVING FOR CONFIDENCE, AND DON’T LET THE BASTARDS GET YOU DOWN. (THANKS RIHANNA.)

 

 

 

Introduction: Who Am I?

Hi. Hello. Hey There. 

Before I start diving into my blogging sessions, I wanted to share a few things about myself to better help you understand why I wanted to start this blog in the first place. I am a bit all over the place with my writing style BUT I promise you’ll take at least something from what I write, (or at least I can hope.) So here goes…

I’m Jessica, Jess for short but please (unless your family), never call me Jessi. Now let me explain this.. Only close family and close family friends get the luxury of calling me ‘Jessi.’ Why is that you might ask? I was to be named ‘Jessi’ no matter if I was born male or female. For some reason, and I can’t exactly pin point why, it is one of my biggest pet peeves. When I think of the name, I immediately associate it with being a male pronoun. Why you ask? I HAVE NO IDEA. Yes, I know it is a gender neutral pronoun. Yes, I know plenty of females who go by Jessi instead of Jessica. But for some odd unbeknownst reason, I can not stand it. No matter how much I try, I can’t seem to get away from it though, especially when that is what my family calls me, introduces me as, etc. So please, call me Jess.

While I’d rather not disclose my actual age, please note that I am in my mid twenties. I like to say that I am still in the young adult phase of my life, and growing every day. I’ll admit that I can still have my “teen” tendencies, but it’s probably not what you are thinking of. On occasion (okay, maybe more like on the weekends) I love to sleep in past noon. HELLO BEAUTY SLEEP! I enjoy watching old school 90’s classics such as Fresh Prince, Friends, and even cartoons on Nickelodeon (Hey Arnold.) I love to play board games, sing into my hairbrush and dance like nobody else is watching. Oh, and did I forget to mention that I binge watch Dawsons Creek because I own the box set?! Yep, that is me. And I think I am pretty darn cool.

I’ll admit that I did not go to college, well I did but I didn’t (can you even consider going one semester, college?) Yeah, I don’t. Unfortunately college was not my forte. We were not friends. We were enemies actually. I sometimes wish I would’ve stuck through it, but well, here we are, and I didn’t. Fast forward though, and here I am holding down a full time job that I actually enjoy very much. So congratulations to me, I did it. (:

Some like to say that I am an introvert, I like to call it being socially introverted. I am extremely shy and quiet until you get to know me. I don’t like to be center of attention, and I’d much rather stay home than be within a crowd. I get super uncomfortable when I am in a setting of more than 5-10 people, even if they are close to me. I’m not sure why that is, but I’m working on it. I’m probably going to be the girl you see sitting in the corner, watching everyone as they have a good time, and I am OK with that. I have major anxiety, a lot of stressors, and a limited number of people I can actually confide in. I’m that person who always puts every one else’s expectations for me first leaving me to then put my expectations for myself on the back burner. I struggle day to day with that. However, like I said in my previous post, 2017 was a challenging year for me and the start of my journey on self discovery. I am still on that journey, it only began roughly 8 months ago. I was at a point where I was making myself sick by letting certain things take over me, and it became too unhealthy and I decided that I needed a change. I needed to figure out what was best for me, and only me before I could make any other person happy.

OH! Did I forget to mention that I’M ENGAGED! Yeah, engaged! I am getting married in May of this year, and I couldn’t be more excited. My fiancee has not only helped me through past year, but he has helped me in ways that I could never even begin to thank him for. He has stuck by my side through what I feel like have been my worst downfalls and my highest triumphs. Words cannot express how thankful I am for him.

 

I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt and a lover. I have 2 siblings, both older than myself. I have 2 nephews and 1 niece, and another little niece or nephew on the way. I absolutely love my title as ‘Aunt Jess’ and even though I may not always be around, I think of them every single day. I love them to pieces, and I would do anything, and I mean anything for them. They make those moments in life where I am doubtful feel not so bad at all. They say that little ones can have that affect on people, and I’m definitely not one to doubt that. They make life seem so simple, so carefree, and worthwhile. I’ll take that any day.

 

So yeah, now that you know a bit of my story, I want to hear some of yours. Leave me a comment, a question, or even just a little note. I’d love to see if my story is similar, different, or even exactly the same of some of yours. I check back often, so even a simple like is OK.

Thanks for listening, or not, but until next time…  XOXO. Jess.

 

 

 

Bleeding my heart on papers skin.

Hello all! I am so excited to enter 2018 with my very first blog. I am nervous, anxious, overwhelmed and grateful all in one! This new year is not only a new year, but a new me. I know a lot of people say this BUT I came into this new year with a new outlook on living. In 2017 I was on the journey of self discovery, and entering 2018 I am still on that journey today. I learned a ton about myself last year and I’m not done yet. I changed for the better and I still think there is more to discover. 2017 opened my eyes to a lot of things, one being that negativity IS a major stressor in my life. Another being that I have let anxiety get the best of me for much of my 20’s. 2018 will see a newer, more refreshed me. I will not let people who carry negativity into my life, nor do I want to be associated with it. I will not let people walk all over me, take advantage of me, or tell me what to do and not to do. I will reflect on the things I’ve overcome, how I got there, and who were the ones that helped me get to where I am now. My self worth is more important for me, my health and my sanity. “Be the best you that you can be”, that will be one of the quotes I live by now. I have been writing all last year (and years and years before that!) but I am finally going to put them into this blog instead of just my journal that no one ever sees. I hope to not only help others, but also empower woman and help them see that we are so much more than the expectations everyone seems to have for us these days. I want to help people overcome their anxiety, their depression, their fears just like I am still doing on a daily basis. In all honesty, you’ll all probably be helping me as well, which is a blessing in disguise that I’ll never admit I needed, but I really do. I am so excited to see where this blog takes me and to see how many people I can help, or even inspire. Stay tuned for quotes, stories, advice, tears (which you won’t see but hopefully feel!), and how I try to stay on this path of self discovery. Xoxoxo.